Friday, November 9, 2018

6d10 Random Hireling Quirks, Motivations & Secrets

6 Secretly hired by the enemy NPC to spy on the party. 
Split personality. Each time he sleeps, he has a 1 in 6 chance to wake up as his Lecterian cannibalistic serial killer alter ego. 
8 Actually, a parasitic life-form that assimilates and then imitates other organisms. Spent last 100,000 years buried in ice. 
9 Secretly scotophobic – thinks of his fear as his greatest shame and will deny this if confronted. After one round in total darkness has to make a morale check or becomes catatonic. 
10 Recently contracted lycanthropy, is not aware of his condition. 
11 Old, seasoned werewolf. 
12 Wielder of a cursed blade. The sword does extra d12 negative energy damage, but makes the hireling attack nearest creature in range on a failed Will save, rolled per encounter. 
13 Undead skeleton camouflaging as human through illusion magic. 
14 Greedy son of a bitch. Will try to pocket unattended valuables when nobody's watching. 
15 Unappreciated artisanal basket weaver. Desperately looks to chew someone's chew ear off about difficulties & intricacies of proper basket weaving. 
16 Semi-retired con man. Always has advantage on Charisma rolls. 
17 Wanted man, sentenced to death in twelve kingdoms. 
18 Three goblins in a trench coat. 
19 Survivor of a massacre. Suffers from night terrors. 
20 A drunkard. 
21 Naive, preadolescent kid. 
22 Bald man in a wig. Will do anything to protect his secret. 
23 Aspiring poet. Will try to compose ballads inspired by deeds of the party. Morbidly sensitive to criticism. 
24 Very good at fishing. 
25 Ex-beggar, has multiple underworld contacts in major cities. 
26 Cursed by witches to always tell the truth. Possesses a silver dagger, vial of holy water, a mallet and three wooden stakes. Knows how to use them. 
27 Expert gambler. 
28 Wayward teenager. 
29 An octogenarian. Forced to work as a hireling, because his retirement plan failed. Knows a lot about that thing, that happened fifty years ago. 
30 Pyromaniac. 
31 A desperate parent, convinced his child may have got lost in the nearby dungeon. 
32 A poacher, who got caught in the royal hunting grounds. Lost three fingers of his arrow notching hand for that crime. 
33 A tattooed sailor. Quite possibly a former pirate. 
34 A wonderful cook. 
35 Witch hunt survivor. Has a weird birthmark hidden somewhere on his body. 
36 Impoverished nobleman. All that's left of his fortune is an old destrier and a bejeweled dueling sword. 
37 Cat burglar on the run from the law. Dexterity 18, always has an advantage on Reflex saves. 
38 Aging, down on his luck circus strongman and wrestler. Strength 18, Constitution 6. 
39 Reformed bandit. Still has somewhat-accurate knowledge of local hideouts, black markets and criminal contacts. 
40 Bastard son of a local noble. 
41 Fell in love at first sight with a random PC. 
42 Traveller from a faraway land, speaks broken common and practices strange customs. Knowledgeable about exotic lands. 
43 Has a second, malformed head, sprouting from his ribs. At night it whispers dark secrets and demonic incantations. 
44 Half-crazed seer, who carries an iron mirror of immense power
45 Fearless. Never fails morale checks. 
46 Knows d6 extra languages. 
48 Veteran gold panner. Possesses vast knowledge of finding gold, precious stones and metals. 
49 A deserter from an enemy NPC's army. 
50 A deserter from a friendly NPC's army. 
51 Secretly hired by random PC's family to spy on the party. 
52 A sullen, panther skin loin-clout wearing barbarian marauder from a far away frontierland. 
53 Knight errant, clad in plate armor, on a quest to find the holiest of relics. 
54 Young royalty masquerading as a commoner, on a journey of self-discovery. 
55 A mute ninja. Wisdom 18, can never be surprised. 
56 Elite assassin suffering from amnesia. 
57 He was a lawman, and good at his job, but he committed the ultimate sin — and testified against other lawmen gone bad. Lawmen that tried to kill him, but got the woman he loved instead. Framed for murder, now he prowls the badlands... an outlaw hunting outlaws... a hireling... a RENEGADE.
58 Exiled heir to the throne of a nearby kingdom. Hides lavishly decorated royal signet ring in his boot. 
59 A machine, disguised as a man, sent from the future to change history. Its memory banks got fried during time-travel and he now wanders the unfamiliar world, lost and aimless. 
60 Wandering angel of a forgotten god. Will try to subtly nudge the party towards his deity's worship. Can cast first level wizard spells at will. Immune to disease, poison & non-magical attacks. 

Friday, October 19, 2018

Beware the Void Beaver!

Long, long time ago on G+ I helped key a dungeon. A lot of awesome people contributed and I felt the result was unusual... or rather exceptional, really. I felt we made something special. And then a lot of stuff happened in my life, I switched jobs and apartments like three times and I forgot it ever happened. That is until yesterday evening, when I received a word that it is now completed and available for everyone for free! Now behold... 

The Mudwarren Alley!

Get it, read it, run it for your group. Tell me how it went. 

The map, call to arms and the voidbeaver cover illo was done by Karl Stjernberg. 

Jennifer Moonpoison did the editing and also an actual fucking clay statue of the voidbeaver. 

Most of the other incredible illustrations are by Evlyn M

Other contributors were Brian Ashford, Steve C, John Condon, Eric Nieudan, Terje Nordin, Ray Otus, Chad Robb (I think he also did that sick fish drawing), Matthew SchmeerChris Stieha, Alban Winton and yours truly. 

If I forgot about you or didn't link to your stuff – drop me a line and I'll rectify the situation. 

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

The Church of Kroakatosh

Kroakatosh is a giant cyclopean toad god. He communicates with the world solely through infrequent deafening roars. Those are translated by infinitely hierarchical caste of seers known as Leaders of the Sacred Rites. They are the High Priests of the Church. Here are some personalities you can meet while traversing His Sacred Realm:

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Eye Gouger Gonçalves

is – contrary to his title – just here to sell you an eyepatch. You see, there's this Law of No Two Eyes and you can't show yourself with two eyes within the Realm of Kroakatosh. Oh, you didn't want to enter the Realm of Kroakatosh? That means it's Kroakatosh himself that's making the visit. You're so blessed. If you already have none, one, three, or more eyes – you're in compliance with this Law and you're good to go. If you have two eyes you need to buy this eyepatch and wear it within the Realm of Kroakatosh. The eyepatch's five silver. And yeah, he will try to gouge your eye if you refuse. 

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Knight-Captain Ennaray Joreld sa Wiret eque ca Lorueray-Chirenia

is a grimy, sleazy, ruthless asshole sworn in to protect the Law of Pronunciation (every th has to be pronounced as f, and every other vowel has to be screamed at the top of your lungs). If you refuse to follow this law, he'll challenge you to a duel at

  1. that one men's bathroom 
  2. an island in the middle of a nearby lake
  3. the nearest Kroakatosh temple
  4. the nearest river bank
  5. the place you were born
  6. nearby ruins
  7. nearby cheese shop
  8. lowest level of the nearest dungeon
  9. the nearest town square 
  10. right here, brother!


  1. awl pikes
  2. turds
  3. bardiches
  4. bec de corbines
  5. horseman's flails
  6. horseman's maces
  7. horseman's picks
  8. horseman's butter knives
  9. bare hands, brother!
  10. stones
  11. sharpened sticks
  12. glaives
  13. guisarmes
  14. glaive-guisarmes
  15. cheese wheels
  16. bill-guisarmes
  17. horse fauchardes
  18. fauchard·forks
  19. voulges
  20. horseman's turds

on precisely 

  1. a year from now
  2. your next birthday
  3. the day of the next eclipse
  4. the next snow day 
  5. next full moon
  6. next crescent moon
  7. tomorrow at sunrise 
  8. tomorrow at sundown
  9. tomorrow at high noon
  10. right now, brother! it's going down!

If you refuse or don't show up – he'll be hunting you down, brother. 

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His Eminence High Priest AnaclĂȘtus

is – like most of his peers – almost completely deaf. He lost his hearing when he heard his first Kroakatosh roar and went mad when he heard the second. The most important thing for him is that no one finds out about his condition. He's all knowing nods and thoughtful silences, but really – as long as he's out if his element – he's just scared. And stark raving mad. He desperately hopes that cryptic poetry and banal cliches, which are his specialty and last line of defense, will somehow be relevant to whoever he's talking to.