Tuesday, September 25, 2018

The Church of Kroakatosh

Kroakatosh is a giant cyclopean toad god. He communicates with the world solely through infrequent deafening roars. Those are translated by infinitely hierarchical caste of seers known as Leaders of the Sacred Rites. They are the High Priests of the Church. Here are some personalities you can meet while traversing His Sacred Realm:

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Eye Gouger Gonçalves

is – contrary to his title – just here to sell you an eyepatch. You see, there's this Law of No Two Eyes and you can't show yourself with two eyes within the Realm of Kroakatosh. Oh, you didn't want to enter the Realm of Kroakatosh? That means it's Kroakatosh himself that's making the visit. You're so blessed. If you already have none, one, three, or more eyes – you're in compliance with this Law and you're good to go. If you have two eyes you need to buy this eyepatch and wear it within the Realm of Kroakatosh. The eyepatch's five silver. And yeah, he will try to gouge your eye if you refuse. 

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Knight-Captain Ennaray Joreld sa Wiret eque ca Lorueray-Chirenia

is a grimy, sleazy, ruthless asshole sworn in to protect the Law of Pronunciation (every th has to be pronounced as f, and every other vowel has to be screamed at the top of your lungs). If you refuse to follow this law, he'll challenge you to a duel at

  1. that one men's bathroom 
  2. an island in the middle of a nearby lake
  3. the nearest Kroakatosh temple
  4. the nearest river bank
  5. the place you were born
  6. nearby ruins
  7. nearby cheese shop
  8. lowest level of the nearest dungeon
  9. the nearest town square 
  10. right here, brother!


  1. awl pikes
  2. turds
  3. bardiches
  4. bec de corbines
  5. horseman's flails
  6. horseman's maces
  7. horseman's picks
  8. horseman's butter knives
  9. bare hands, brother!
  10. stones
  11. sharpened sticks
  12. glaives
  13. guisarmes
  14. glaive-guisarmes
  15. cheese wheels
  16. bill-guisarmes
  17. horse fauchardes
  18. fauchard·forks
  19. voulges
  20. horseman's turds

on precisely 

  1. a year from now
  2. your next birthday
  3. the day of the next eclipse
  4. the next snow day 
  5. next full moon
  6. next crescent moon
  7. tomorrow at sunrise 
  8. tomorrow at sundown
  9. tomorrow at high noon
  10. right now, brother! it's going down!

If you refuse or don't show up – he'll be hunting you down, brother. 

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His Eminence High Priest AnaclĂȘtus

is – like most of his peers – almost completely deaf. He lost his hearing when he heard his first Kroakatosh roar and went mad when he heard the second. The most important thing for him is that no one finds out about his condition. He's all knowing nods and thoughtful silences, but really – as long as he's out if his element – he's just scared. And stark raving mad. He desperately hopes that cryptic poetry and banal cliches, which are his specialty and last line of defense, will somehow be relevant to whoever he's talking to. 

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