Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Map of a Gothic Burgher House

I found it instantly D&D-able. 

No photo description available.

a) ground floor
   1. vestibule
   2. shop or reception
   3. backyard
   4. passage
   5. workshop or atelier

b) first floor
   6. main room, an office or a study
   7. vestibule 
   8. alcove
   9. backroom or bedroom 
   10. porch
   11. storeroom

c) façade 

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Random Assassins Guild Generator

Drawing of two men worshipping before a statue
Legality (d8)
1 holy
2 state sanctioned
3 legal under certain circumstances
4-5 illegal under most circumstances
6-7 criminal
8 unholy/heretic 

Popularity (d12)
1-4 secret
5-7 shadowy
8-9 known to some
10 well known
11 popular
12 legendary

Motivation (d6)
1 business
2 religious
4 organ harvesting
5 patriotic idealists/political terrorists
6 thrill kill cult

Weaponry (d20)
1-5 subterfuge, hidden blades, smoke bombs, blowguns
6-10 martial, swords, spears, axes
11 magic
12 make it look like an accident, poison, fire, traps
13 particular, specialized and ceremonial 
14 unarmed combat 
15 alchemist fire, explosives, acid
16 doppelgangers or lycanthropes 
17 vampires or their thralls 
18 trained beasts or monsters
19 varies among members
20 roll twice

Size (d10)
1 d6 members
2 local (district or village)
3-4 local (city)
5-6 regional
7 national
8 multinational
9 worldwide
10 transdimensional 

Rulership (d12)
1 democratic
2 anarchy
3 meritocracy of elder masters
4 oligarchy of wealthy men
5 secret council of 2d6 hooded figures
6 ancient, powerful undead
7 d8 monsters with genius-level intellect
8 military structure 
9 deified tyrant
10 immortal cabal
11 seers deciphering a prophecy 
12 shadow from the void, sending dreams and visions to the chosen 

Idiosyncrasy (d20)
1 will try to perform the hit once, and only once
2 after an unsuccessful hit, they can attempt another one, but the price doubles
3 after a successful hit, they will reveal the identity of the client
4 after an unsuccessful hit, the victim is offered an option to hire the assassin for a revenge kill
5 after a successful hit, the victim's family is offered an option to hire the assassin for a revenge kill
6 guild accepts only a very special currency 
7 guild doesn't accept money, can be only hired by a special ritual 
8 will try to perform the hit until successful 
9 will announce the hit before performing it 
10 will declare their responsibility after a successful hit
11 will take the victim alive, to use for other purposes 
12 will only take hits on victims who are guilty of a particular sin
13 will only take hits on victims who are innocent of a particular sin
14 ridiculously expensive
15 only takes a couple jobs a year
16 only takes jobs from a very exclusive clientele 
17 style over substance, will try to perform the assassination during a full moon, in an exotic garden, while reciting poetry, dressed in exquisite flowing robes, etc. 
18 victims must be worthy, able to defend themselves, high caliber targets
19 they give a refund on an unsuccessful kill 
20 roll twice and use both results

Friday, November 9, 2018

6d10 Random Hireling Quirks, Motivations & Secrets

6 Secretly hired by the enemy NPC to spy on the party. 
Split personality. Each time he sleeps, he has a 1 in 6 chance to wake up as his Lecterian cannibalistic serial killer alter ego. 
8 Actually, a parasitic life-form that assimilates and then imitates other organisms. Spent last 100,000 years buried in ice. 
9 Secretly scotophobic – thinks of his fear as his greatest shame and will deny this if confronted. After one round in total darkness has to make a morale check or becomes catatonic. 
10 Recently contracted lycanthropy, is not aware of his condition. 
11 Old, seasoned werewolf. 
12 Wielder of a cursed blade. The sword does extra d12 negative energy damage, but makes the hireling attack nearest creature in range on a failed Will save, rolled per encounter. 
13 Undead skeleton camouflaging as human through illusion magic. 
14 Greedy son of a bitch. Will try to pocket unattended valuables when nobody's watching. 
15 Unappreciated artisanal basket weaver. Desperately looks to chew someone's chew ear off about difficulties & intricacies of proper basket weaving. 
16 Semi-retired con man. Always has advantage on Charisma rolls. 
17 Wanted man, sentenced to death in twelve kingdoms. 
18 Three goblins in a trench coat. 
19 Survivor of a massacre. Suffers from night terrors. 
20 A drunkard. 
21 Naive, preadolescent kid. 
22 Bald man in a wig. Will do anything to protect his secret. 
23 Aspiring poet. Will try to compose ballads inspired by deeds of the party. Morbidly sensitive to criticism. 
24 Very good at fishing. 
25 Ex-beggar, has multiple underworld contacts in major cities. 
26 Cursed by witches to always tell the truth. Possesses a silver dagger, vial of holy water, a mallet and three wooden stakes. Knows how to use them. 
27 Expert gambler. 
28 Wayward teenager. 
29 An octogenarian. Forced to work as a hireling, because his retirement plan failed. Knows a lot about that thing, that happened fifty years ago. 
30 Pyromaniac. 
31 A desperate parent, convinced his child may have got lost in the nearby dungeon. 
32 A poacher, who got caught in the royal hunting grounds. Lost three fingers of his arrow notching hand for that crime. 
33 A tattooed sailor. Quite possibly a former pirate. 
34 A wonderful cook. 
35 Witch hunt survivor. Has a weird birthmark hidden somewhere on his body. 
36 Impoverished nobleman. All that's left of his fortune is an old destrier and a bejeweled dueling sword. 
37 Cat burglar on the run from the law. Dexterity 18, always has an advantage on Reflex saves. 
38 Aging, down on his luck circus strongman and wrestler. Strength 18, Constitution 6. 
39 Reformed bandit. Still has somewhat-accurate knowledge of local hideouts, black markets and criminal contacts. 
40 Bastard son of a local noble. 
41 Fell in love at first sight with a random PC. 
42 Traveller from a faraway land, speaks broken common and practices strange customs. Knowledgeable about exotic lands. 
43 Has a second, malformed head, sprouting from his ribs. At night it whispers dark secrets and demonic incantations. 
44 Half-crazed seer, who carries an iron mirror of immense power
45 Fearless. Never fails morale checks. 
46 Knows d6 extra languages. 
48 Veteran gold panner. Possesses vast knowledge of finding gold, precious stones and metals. 
49 A deserter from an enemy NPC's army. 
50 A deserter from a friendly NPC's army. 
51 Secretly hired by random PC's family to spy on the party. 
52 A sullen, panther skin loin-clout wearing barbarian marauder from a far away frontierland. 
53 Knight errant, clad in plate armor, on a quest to find the holiest of relics. 
54 Young royalty masquerading as a commoner, on a journey of self-discovery. 
55 A mute ninja. Wisdom 18, can never be surprised. 
56 Elite assassin suffering from amnesia. 
57 He was a lawman, and good at his job, but he committed the ultimate sin — and testified against other lawmen gone bad. Lawmen that tried to kill him, but got the woman he loved instead. Framed for murder, now he prowls the badlands... an outlaw hunting outlaws... a hireling... a RENEGADE.
58 Exiled heir to the throne of a nearby kingdom. Hides lavishly decorated royal signet ring in his boot. 
59 A machine, disguised as a man, sent from the future to change history. Its memory banks got fried during time-travel and he now wanders the unfamiliar world, lost and aimless. 
60 Wandering angel of a forgotten god. Will try to subtly nudge the party towards his deity's worship. Can cast first level wizard spells at will. Immune to disease, poison & non-magical attacks. 

Friday, October 19, 2018

Beware the Void Beaver!

Long, long time ago on G+ I helped key a dungeon. A lot of awesome people contributed and I felt the result was unusual... or rather exceptional, really. I felt we made something special. And then a lot of stuff happened in my life, I switched jobs and apartments like three times and I forgot it ever happened. That is until yesterday evening, when I received a word that it is now completed and available for everyone for free! Now behold... 

The Mudwarren Alley!

Get it, read it, run it for your group. Tell me how it went. 

The map, call to arms and the voidbeaver cover illo was done by Karl Stjernberg. 

Jennifer Moonpoison did the editing and also an actual fucking clay statue of the voidbeaver. 

Most of the other incredible illustrations are by Evlyn M

Other contributors were Brian Ashford, Steve C, John Condon, Eric Nieudan, Terje Nordin, Ray Otus, Chad Robb (I think he also did that sick fish drawing), Matthew SchmeerChris Stieha, Alban Winton and yours truly. 

If I forgot about you or didn't link to your stuff – drop me a line and I'll rectify the situation. 

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

The Church of Kroakatosh

Kroakatosh is a giant cyclopean toad god. He communicates with the world solely through infrequent deafening roars. Those are translated by infinitely hierarchical caste of seers known as Leaders of the Sacred Rites. They are the High Priests of the Church. Here are some personalities you can meet while traversing His Sacred Realm:

Image result for medieval peddler

Eye Gouger Gonçalves

is – contrary to his title – just here to sell you an eyepatch. You see, there's this Law of No Two Eyes and you can't show yourself with two eyes within the Realm of Kroakatosh. Oh, you didn't want to enter the Realm of Kroakatosh? That means it's Kroakatosh himself that's making the visit. You're so blessed. If you already have none, one, three, or more eyes – you're in compliance with this Law and you're good to go. If you have two eyes you need to buy this eyepatch and wear it within the Realm of Kroakatosh. The eyepatch's five silver. And yeah, he will try to gouge your eye if you refuse. 

Image result for landsknecht horse

Knight-Captain Ennaray Joreld sa Wiret eque ca Lorueray-Chirenia

is a grimy, sleazy, ruthless asshole sworn in to protect the Law of Pronunciation (every th has to be pronounced as f, and every other vowel has to be screamed at the top of your lungs). If you refuse to follow this law, he'll challenge you to a duel at

  1. that one men's bathroom 
  2. an island in the middle of a nearby lake
  3. the nearest Kroakatosh temple
  4. the nearest river bank
  5. the place you were born
  6. nearby ruins
  7. nearby cheese shop
  8. lowest level of the nearest dungeon
  9. the nearest town square 
  10. right here, brother!


  1. awl pikes
  2. turds
  3. bardiches
  4. bec de corbines
  5. horseman's flails
  6. horseman's maces
  7. horseman's picks
  8. horseman's butter knives
  9. bare hands, brother!
  10. stones
  11. sharpened sticks
  12. glaives
  13. guisarmes
  14. glaive-guisarmes
  15. cheese wheels
  16. bill-guisarmes
  17. horse fauchardes
  18. fauchard·forks
  19. voulges
  20. horseman's turds

on precisely 

  1. a year from now
  2. your next birthday
  3. the day of the next eclipse
  4. the next snow day 
  5. next full moon
  6. next crescent moon
  7. tomorrow at sunrise 
  8. tomorrow at sundown
  9. tomorrow at high noon
  10. right now, brother! it's going down!

If you refuse or don't show up – he'll be hunting you down, brother. 

Image result for old pope portrait medieval

His Eminence High Priest Anaclêtus

is – like most of his peers – almost completely deaf. He lost his hearing when he heard his first Kroakatosh roar and went mad when he heard the second. The most important thing for him is that no one finds out about his condition. He's all knowing nods and thoughtful silences, but really – as long as he's out if his element – he's just scared. And stark raving mad. He desperately hopes that cryptic poetry and banal cliches, which are his specialty and last line of defense, will somehow be relevant to whoever he's talking to. 

Saturday, December 16, 2017

2d6 Exploitable Character Traits

2. ambitious - this glory hound can be persuaded to do great things that will make his prestige grow 3. greedy - if there's money in it, he'll probably do it 4. hedonist - good food, exquisite drink and pleasures of the alcove are his motivation 5. wroth - he's always angry, just needs a little push in the right direction and he'll start smashing 6. charitable - will share his fortune with those in need 7. honest - compelled to speak the truth, even if others are too afraid or embarrassed to do so 8. craven - can be easily persuaded to do nothing – and hide 9. just - feels compelled to punish evildoers and right wrongs 10. zealous - will do anything to uncover heretic plots and bring glory to the one true way 11. paranoid - knows they're watching and will do anything to find out more about their sinister machinations 12. proud - wants to look strong, especially better than his rivals

Maciejowski Bible, folio 41

An NPC has something the party wants. Or they want the NPC to do something for them. What's it gonna take?

Inspired by Crusader Kings II.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Mysteries of the Alignment Planes

So I was thinking – there are no alignments in BFRPG, which is cool, I like that. There are no alignments in real life, right? The same dude is capable of both despicable acts and selfless sacrifice, it's this strange human condition, but whatever. I still want demons and devils in my game. I want those weird Levant angels that are all wings and eyes and on fire and shit. So imagine this – ages ago, when trilobites were the dominant species on Earth, the Demiurge decided to separate order from chaos and evil spirits from the good ones. So he went to the Crystal Dragon Jesus mountain and meditated there for seven days and eight nights and then he came back and announced to the young world that he came up with this new spell. This magnificent spell so powerful, that only he – the most powerful god – can cast it. And the spell was called DETECT ALIGNMENT And the soldiers of order were like "yeah, right on, Demiurge!", but some other spirits were like "no, dude, that's an awful idea, life's more complicated then that", but the Demiurge was like "SILENCE, HERETICS OF CHAOS. I WILL MAKE THE UNIVERSE GREAT" and he casts the spell. The spell goes off and identifies a group of spirits as lawful evil. The Demiurge exiles them to Hell. Other spirits are identified as chaotic evil, off you go to the Abyss. The neutral aligned spirits are cast off to Earth (where they bring magical, supernatural elements to the planet) and all the lawful good guys stay in the newly named Heaven. Or Arcadia. Or whatever. Demiurge is very happy with himself and a bit tired from all this spell casting and decides that he will now retreat for an eon or two to his Hot Tub of Rejuvenation, but promises that he will come back shortly to check if everything's cool. Eventually he comes back. When he left the lawful good plane was full of those boring deva aasimar creatures that he liked very much. But after all this time they're all gone, there are only a few of (possibly inbred) stark raving mad angels, that look like they're all eyes and wings and they're on fire. And some of them are wheels? They're those crazy Dead Sea scrolls/Book of Enoch angels. And the Demiurge is like "OH SHIT" but before doing anything he takes a look at Earth, where all the neutral spirits were exiled to and he sees Melnibonean elves hunting first primates for sport and earth elementals teaching gnomes how to forge magic radioactive weapons and he's losing his shit now. He checks on Hell and of course those guys are doing great in a Third Reich kind of way. The orgy he gets a glimpse of in the Abyss terrifies him so he says "I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE" and then adds somewhat less confidently "B-BUT DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE BACK SOON, I'LL FIGURE THIS OUT, JUST CHILL OUT, I'LL BE BACK, I'M GONNA FIX THIS, PEACE, SEE YOU SOON, BYE" and he vanishes. And he's never been seen again.